Stranger in a strange land

If you haven't already read Jan's Saturday post, please read it below. It's a bit beyond me now to repeat the details. Suffice to say that Jan has shouldered the worst of a tough, tough day today. She went in to see Emily intubated and transferred away from her siblings, back a critical care bed in the Level III (most acute) side of the nursery. We had obviously hoped none of the girls would ever have to experience intubation, but I guess you can resign yourself to it if you feel it is the right way to help them in the moment. I guess we just wish the need had never arisen, but that's crying over spilt milk at this point. Emily's transfer back to Level III is a reflection of the seriousness of her situation, as Jan reflects in her posting.

I spent most of my day in doctor's offices, radiologists office and pharmacies. Exactly what is wrong with me it is hard to say, but I've been put on antibiotics to address any possibility of ongoing bronchitis or pneumonia (I have to think that that last one is a pretty remote possibility). The NICU staff are more worried about the possibility of me having a tummy bug. Anyways, I rushed a CD with a picture of my chest x-ray on it back to the doctor's office only to learn that it crashed the GP's computer as soon as he put it in. He was not amused, to say the least, and wasn't able to read the x-ray. I guess I will wait to hear on Tuesday if there is anything troubling in the radiologist's report. 

Although I am feeling a bit better tonight, it is especially frustrating that I can't be there with the girls (and Jan), to at least talk to them and let them hear my voice, never mind hold them and comfort them. And what really aches is knowing that they are small, and sick and vulnerable, and there is nothing I can do to protect them. I don't think I've ever felt quite so useless. I've been saying, tritely, that these girls are going to have their ups and downs, but I perhaps naively assumed that we'd never slide this far, this fast.

This is tough.

Jer